The Commonly Asked Question List
Posted: Thu Jan 30, 2003 10:01 pm
From: Polar polar_33@y... <polar_33@y...>
Date: Sun Jan 26, 2003 0:09am
Subject: The Commonly Asked Question List
The folowing is something I came across at work today. Author
unknown, but thank you to whoever it is.
---------------------------------
The Commonly Asked Question List
Please post where guests can see, as this will cut down on the high
incidences of "stupid guest questions" (SGQ) syndrome, from
which we
have all been suffering.
"Do you have any maps?"
No, Donald shredded them in a fit of rage when he heard you were
coming.
"Where is the old park?"
There are several retirement communities close by; perhaps you would
like to know which ones have advanced care for those who are no
longer mentally capable?
"Where can I buy tickets?"
I can sell you one of these for a mere twenty bucks (while flashing
expired comps pinned to the inside of your trench coat.)
."Where am I?"
The nethermost circle of Hell… trust me on this.
"Information huh? What's tonight's winning Lotto
numbers?"
If you don't turn around and walk away right now, I will beat you
do
death with this hundred and fifty dollar brick.
"Do you have a…a… (while gesturing in an unspecific
manner)
An intense grudge against the clueless? Absolutely, allow me to
demonstrate.
"What time is the Parade/Fireworks today?"(While holding a
map)
If you open your map the time is right inside, we also offer auditory
tape recordings for those who CANT READ!!!
"Where can I buy a ticket, all the booths are closed?"
Just keep walking over there, yes all the way over there, keep going
far enough, maybe you'll lose some weight, fatty.
"Where's that flying over adventure ride?"
I'm sorry, we closed that attraction when we found it causes
blindness and hairy palms.
"Where's the bathroom?"
Who needs a bathroom, I'm wearin' Depends!
"Where's the food Court?"
You of all people don't need to eat any more.
"I wanted to go to Disneyland, but I came in this park by
accident, how do I get there?"
Big damn sign out in front threw you off huh? Hmm, since you are
obviously without sight, go out the gates and make a right, keep
walking until you hear traffic, and then run as fast as you can
towards the sounds.
"What time is that Fantasia show"
We've made a change sir, its now called Fantasy Waters, and
it's at
the Disneyland hotel tonight.
"If it's raining will the park close?"
Yes, the parks will have to close, if Mike Eisner gets wet he will
melt.
"Is it going to rain today?"
Well, looking at the Doppler radar, as you can see behind me Kent, we
have a large low pressure system moving in over the Anaheim area,
mixing with a large amount of hot air coming from this mass of Annual
Passholders, all of this means I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA!!!
"Can I get a front of the line pass?"
Certainly, but first I would like to show you a short film about why
you are an evil selfish bastard with no regard for the feelings of
the people who actually need the pass, and when you are finished, I
am going to shoot you in the groin.
"Where did I park?"
(lengthy pause)….Oh my god, you're serious. Go away, you are
beyond
help.
"What are you doing with the submarines?"
Eisner has them in his backyard pool; he makes attractions cast
members blow in hoses so he can feel like he is diving underwater.
"What do you mean I can't smoke?" (in heavy Euro-Trash
or
Southern accent)
Trust me sir, if I could let you smoke I would. I'm in favor of
anything that shortens your life span.
"What happened to that Rocket Rods ride?"
We had to retire it after a drunk guest swerved off the track and
flattened Pluto.
"There's nothing for children to do here, can I go to
Disneyland?"
Oh my god, those are children? My sympathies, let me make your ticket
valid for the Wild Animal Park, I think you will find more for their
species to do there.
"Where can I find Mickey?"
Hmm, let me see, hes not at his house, and not on main street. Ah, I
found him, hes backstage bitching about obnoxious guests who wont
leave him alone.
Any question, statement or demand beginning with "Im a
grandparent, and an annual passholder for fifteen years"
Congratulations sir/miss you have been the five hundred thousandth
guest to have an over-inflated sense of self entitlement! Tell them
what they've won John! (overblown announcer voice comes out of
the
speakers) Well you've won a years supply of animosity from the
employees of the Disneyland Resort, and an all expense paid trip to
anywhere but here!
"How do I get back to my hotel?"
Since you're obviously too big for the hotel shuttles, we have a
retrofitted catapult that will fling your churro-bloated body to
within three city blocks of your chosen hotel.
"Who can I complain to?"
Ouch, from the sound of your voice, everyone you've ever spoken
to.
"Whats California Adventure like?"
Have you ever stubbed your toe really bad? Its kind of like that.
"How do I get one of those tinker belle pins like you've
got?"
Well I had to scarifice a limb of my choice when I joined this cult
of "cast members"…would u like to see my rubber foot?
What time is the New Year's Eve countdown fireworks?
Gee….Lemme think about that one….you said New Year's Eve?
Now I'm not
too sure…but maybe at 3:59pm cuz that's when its midnite in
Idiot's-
land!
How do I get to Main Street? (asked while at the DL Info
Board)
Well, let's see…if I were you, I'd go through
Adventureland to New
Orleans Square and get on the train. Ride it around to the 3rd stop
and get off there. Then proceed past all the shops till you arrive at
a statue of Mickey and Walt Disney – that's Main Street.
What's the shuttle stop for my hotel?
Do you remember the name of it? Something "…Main Gate"…or
"Anaheim"
something…
Well that's helpful….do u recall anything that's nearby
it?
Umm…some other buildings and hotels…I think it's the one
Harbor Blvd?
Riiiiiiiight….You know what I just realized – I only answer
1million
and 5 questions an hour and you just topped me at 1million and
six….try back in 43 minutes.
Date: Sun Jan 26, 2003 0:09am
Subject: The Commonly Asked Question List
The folowing is something I came across at work today. Author
unknown, but thank you to whoever it is.
---------------------------------
The Commonly Asked Question List
Please post where guests can see, as this will cut down on the high
incidences of "stupid guest questions" (SGQ) syndrome, from
which we
have all been suffering.
"Do you have any maps?"
No, Donald shredded them in a fit of rage when he heard you were
coming.
"Where is the old park?"
There are several retirement communities close by; perhaps you would
like to know which ones have advanced care for those who are no
longer mentally capable?
"Where can I buy tickets?"
I can sell you one of these for a mere twenty bucks (while flashing
expired comps pinned to the inside of your trench coat.)
."Where am I?"
The nethermost circle of Hell… trust me on this.
"Information huh? What's tonight's winning Lotto
numbers?"
If you don't turn around and walk away right now, I will beat you
do
death with this hundred and fifty dollar brick.
"Do you have a…a… (while gesturing in an unspecific
manner)
An intense grudge against the clueless? Absolutely, allow me to
demonstrate.
"What time is the Parade/Fireworks today?"(While holding a
map)
If you open your map the time is right inside, we also offer auditory
tape recordings for those who CANT READ!!!
"Where can I buy a ticket, all the booths are closed?"
Just keep walking over there, yes all the way over there, keep going
far enough, maybe you'll lose some weight, fatty.
"Where's that flying over adventure ride?"
I'm sorry, we closed that attraction when we found it causes
blindness and hairy palms.
"Where's the bathroom?"
Who needs a bathroom, I'm wearin' Depends!
"Where's the food Court?"
You of all people don't need to eat any more.
"I wanted to go to Disneyland, but I came in this park by
accident, how do I get there?"
Big damn sign out in front threw you off huh? Hmm, since you are
obviously without sight, go out the gates and make a right, keep
walking until you hear traffic, and then run as fast as you can
towards the sounds.
"What time is that Fantasia show"
We've made a change sir, its now called Fantasy Waters, and
it's at
the Disneyland hotel tonight.
"If it's raining will the park close?"
Yes, the parks will have to close, if Mike Eisner gets wet he will
melt.
"Is it going to rain today?"
Well, looking at the Doppler radar, as you can see behind me Kent, we
have a large low pressure system moving in over the Anaheim area,
mixing with a large amount of hot air coming from this mass of Annual
Passholders, all of this means I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA!!!
"Can I get a front of the line pass?"
Certainly, but first I would like to show you a short film about why
you are an evil selfish bastard with no regard for the feelings of
the people who actually need the pass, and when you are finished, I
am going to shoot you in the groin.
"Where did I park?"
(lengthy pause)….Oh my god, you're serious. Go away, you are
beyond
help.
"What are you doing with the submarines?"
Eisner has them in his backyard pool; he makes attractions cast
members blow in hoses so he can feel like he is diving underwater.
"What do you mean I can't smoke?" (in heavy Euro-Trash
or
Southern accent)
Trust me sir, if I could let you smoke I would. I'm in favor of
anything that shortens your life span.
"What happened to that Rocket Rods ride?"
We had to retire it after a drunk guest swerved off the track and
flattened Pluto.
"There's nothing for children to do here, can I go to
Disneyland?"
Oh my god, those are children? My sympathies, let me make your ticket
valid for the Wild Animal Park, I think you will find more for their
species to do there.
"Where can I find Mickey?"
Hmm, let me see, hes not at his house, and not on main street. Ah, I
found him, hes backstage bitching about obnoxious guests who wont
leave him alone.
Any question, statement or demand beginning with "Im a
grandparent, and an annual passholder for fifteen years"
Congratulations sir/miss you have been the five hundred thousandth
guest to have an over-inflated sense of self entitlement! Tell them
what they've won John! (overblown announcer voice comes out of
the
speakers) Well you've won a years supply of animosity from the
employees of the Disneyland Resort, and an all expense paid trip to
anywhere but here!
"How do I get back to my hotel?"
Since you're obviously too big for the hotel shuttles, we have a
retrofitted catapult that will fling your churro-bloated body to
within three city blocks of your chosen hotel.
"Who can I complain to?"
Ouch, from the sound of your voice, everyone you've ever spoken
to.
"Whats California Adventure like?"
Have you ever stubbed your toe really bad? Its kind of like that.
"How do I get one of those tinker belle pins like you've
got?"
Well I had to scarifice a limb of my choice when I joined this cult
of "cast members"…would u like to see my rubber foot?
What time is the New Year's Eve countdown fireworks?
Gee….Lemme think about that one….you said New Year's Eve?
Now I'm not
too sure…but maybe at 3:59pm cuz that's when its midnite in
Idiot's-
land!
How do I get to Main Street? (asked while at the DL Info
Board)
Well, let's see…if I were you, I'd go through
Adventureland to New
Orleans Square and get on the train. Ride it around to the 3rd stop
and get off there. Then proceed past all the shops till you arrive at
a statue of Mickey and Walt Disney – that's Main Street.
What's the shuttle stop for my hotel?
Do you remember the name of it? Something "…Main Gate"…or
"Anaheim"
something…
Well that's helpful….do u recall anything that's nearby
it?
Umm…some other buildings and hotels…I think it's the one
Harbor Blvd?
Riiiiiiiight….You know what I just realized – I only answer
1million
and 5 questions an hour and you just topped me at 1million and
six….try back in 43 minutes.
