The Commonly Asked Question List

StupidGuestTricks Yahoo · Post by **StupidGuestTricks Yahoo** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 10:01 pm

From: Polar polar_33@y... <polar_33@y...>
Date: Sun Jan 26, 2003 0:09am
Subject: The Commonly Asked Question List

The folowing is something I came across at work today. Author
unknown, but thank you to whoever it is.
---------------------------------
The Commonly Asked Question List
Please post where guests can see, as this will cut down on the high
incidences of "stupid guest questions" (SGQ) syndrome, from
which we
have all been suffering.

"Do you have any maps?"
No, Donald shredded them in a fit of rage when he heard you were
coming.

"Where is the old park?"
There are several retirement communities close by; perhaps you would
like to know which ones have advanced care for those who are no
longer mentally capable?

"Where can I buy tickets?"
I can sell you one of these for a mere twenty bucks (while flashing
expired comps pinned to the inside of your trench coat.)

."Where am I?"
The nethermost circle of Hell… trust me on this.

"Information huh? What's tonight's winning Lotto
numbers?"
If you don't turn around and walk away right now, I will beat you
do
death with this hundred and fifty dollar brick.

"Do you have a…a… (while gesturing in an unspecific
manner)
An intense grudge against the clueless? Absolutely, allow me to
demonstrate.

"What time is the Parade/Fireworks today?"(While holding a
map)
If you open your map the time is right inside, we also offer auditory
tape recordings for those who CANT READ!!!

"Where can I buy a ticket, all the booths are closed?"
Just keep walking over there, yes all the way over there, keep going
far enough, maybe you'll lose some weight, fatty.

"Where's that flying over adventure ride?"
I'm sorry, we closed that attraction when we found it causes
blindness and hairy palms.

"Where's the bathroom?"
Who needs a bathroom, I'm wearin' Depends!

"Where's the food Court?"
You of all people don't need to eat any more.

"I wanted to go to Disneyland, but I came in this park by
accident, how do I get there?"
Big damn sign out in front threw you off huh? Hmm, since you are
obviously without sight, go out the gates and make a right, keep
walking until you hear traffic, and then run as fast as you can
towards the sounds.

"What time is that Fantasia show"
We've made a change sir, its now called Fantasy Waters, and
it's at
the Disneyland hotel tonight.

"If it's raining will the park close?"
Yes, the parks will have to close, if Mike Eisner gets wet he will
melt.

"Is it going to rain today?"
Well, looking at the Doppler radar, as you can see behind me Kent, we
have a large low pressure system moving in over the Anaheim area,
mixing with a large amount of hot air coming from this mass of Annual
Passholders, all of this means I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA!!!

"Can I get a front of the line pass?"
Certainly, but first I would like to show you a short film about why
you are an evil selfish bastard with no regard for the feelings of
the people who actually need the pass, and when you are finished, I
am going to shoot you in the groin.

"Where did I park?"
(lengthy pause)….Oh my god, you're serious. Go away, you are
beyond
help.

"What are you doing with the submarines?"
Eisner has them in his backyard pool; he makes attractions cast
members blow in hoses so he can feel like he is diving underwater.

"What do you mean I can't smoke?" (in heavy Euro-Trash
or
Southern accent)
Trust me sir, if I could let you smoke I would. I'm in favor of
anything that shortens your life span.

"What happened to that Rocket Rods ride?"
We had to retire it after a drunk guest swerved off the track and
flattened Pluto.

"There's nothing for children to do here, can I go to
Disneyland?"
Oh my god, those are children? My sympathies, let me make your ticket
valid for the Wild Animal Park, I think you will find more for their
species to do there.

"Where can I find Mickey?"
Hmm, let me see, hes not at his house, and not on main street. Ah, I
found him, hes backstage bitching about obnoxious guests who wont
leave him alone.

Any question, statement or demand beginning with "Im a
grandparent, and an annual passholder for fifteen years"
Congratulations sir/miss you have been the five hundred thousandth
guest to have an over-inflated sense of self entitlement! Tell them
what they've won John! (overblown announcer voice comes out of
the
speakers) Well you've won a years supply of animosity from the
employees of the Disneyland Resort, and an all expense paid trip to
anywhere but here!

"How do I get back to my hotel?"
Since you're obviously too big for the hotel shuttles, we have a
retrofitted catapult that will fling your churro-bloated body to
within three city blocks of your chosen hotel.

"Who can I complain to?"
Ouch, from the sound of your voice, everyone you've ever spoken
to.

"Whats California Adventure like?"
Have you ever stubbed your toe really bad? Its kind of like that.

"How do I get one of those tinker belle pins like you've
got?"
Well I had to scarifice a limb of my choice when I joined this cult
of "cast members"…would u like to see my rubber foot?

What time is the New Year's Eve countdown fireworks?
Gee….Lemme think about that one….you said New Year's Eve?
Now I'm not
too sure…but maybe at 3:59pm cuz that's when its midnite in
Idiot's-
land!

How do I get to Main Street? (asked while at the DL Info
Board)
Well, let's see…if I were you, I'd go through
Adventureland to New
Orleans Square and get on the train. Ride it around to the 3rd stop
and get off there. Then proceed past all the shops till you arrive at
a statue of Mickey and Walt Disney – that's Main Street.

What's the shuttle stop for my hotel?
Do you remember the name of it? Something "…Main Gate"…or
"Anaheim"
something…
Well that's helpful….do u recall anything that's nearby
it?
Umm…some other buildings and hotels…I think it's the one
Harbor Blvd?
Riiiiiiiight….You know what I just realized – I only answer
1million
and 5 questions an hour and you just topped me at 1million and
six….try back in 43 minutes.

StupidGuestTricks Yahoo · Post by **StupidGuestTricks Yahoo** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 10:02 pm

From: morgana5149 morgana5149@y... <morgana5149@y...>
Date: Sun Jan 26, 2003 3:06am
Subject: Re: The Commonly Asked Question List

*giggles*That's great. I could have used one of those when I was
working there. There's my laugh for the day. Hail to stupid guests
all over the world. At least you know they'll never disappoint you.

Guest Relations King · Post by **Guest Relations King** » Thu Jun 26, 2003 1:07 am

Thank you to my fellow Guest Relations Cast Member who wrote this.

tourbunny · Post by **tourbunny** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 6:41 pm

well that dude has now been quit. but we will all miss him. every shift with him was a step closer to sanity amongst the terror of handing out all thos special assistance passes for 5 hours straight in the morning.

most people thought he was the devil, i just thought he had a develish humor
:twisted:

Guest Relations King · Post by **Guest Relations King** » Wed Oct 01, 2003 1:55 pm

Quit? I heard fired.

tourbunny · Post by **tourbunny** » Wed Oct 01, 2003 9:03 pm

HAS BEEN quit, hunny. they made him. of course he was fired. poor guy. anither one bites the dust. soon there will be no more sane people left. sorry to say but i am so tired of having to learn all the new people's names because they are the only ones that work with me now. all my peers are quitting or getting fired!

pixiedust · Post by **pixiedust** » Thu Oct 02, 2003 2:03 am

tourbunny wrote: sorry to say but i am so tired of having to learn all the new people's names because they are the only ones that work with me now. all my peers are quitting or getting fired!

I feel that. I don't mind new hires. Hell, we all were a newhire at one time. The thing is.. i spend most of my time avoiding the trams. And because of it... there are drivers I don't even recognize (most of the time you meet most everyone at least once or twice before they make driver.. cause it's not even an option to apply till probation (all 4 months of it) is up.) I use to be able to look at everyone in an area, and name them off by sight. Now it's gotten to a point where the GC crew will show up (5 or 6 at a time) and I can't name any of them. Turnover is a pain in the butt.

PZB · Post by **PZB** » Thu Feb 26, 2004 2:26 pm

"I wanted to go to Disneyland, but I came in this park by
accident, how do I get there?"
Big damn sign out in front threw you off huh? Hmm, since you are
obviously without sight, go out the gates and make a right, keep
walking until you hear traffic, and then run as fast as you can
towards the sounds.

Had a guest, while in DAC, ask me how to get to Small World. When I told her it was in the other park, she looked at me blankly then asked, "Well, where the hell am I then?"

IndyBob · Post by **IndyBob** » Thu Feb 26, 2004 4:42 pm

StupidGuestTricks wrote:How do I get to Main Street? (asked while at the DL Info Board) Well, let's see…if I were you, I'd go through
Adventureland to New Orleans Square and get on the train. Ride it around to the 3rd stop and get off there. Then proceed past all the shops till you arrive at a statue of Mickey and Walt Disney – that's Main Street.

While at Mansion greeter, had some guests ask me how to get to the "pirity water ride"? As a looked at hem blankly like they were idiots, pretending I was thinking, I answered the same. "Get on the train here in NO Sqaure and take it to the 4th stop. Get off and go to the right and it will be under the bridge." About an hour or so later, that "nice" family came back and thanked me for giving them such good directions, genuinely, and it took me about half a second to remember what I had done, but when I did I sure had to bite my lip not to laugh and told them to have a magical rest of their day(gay)