Stupid Guest Tricks

or we could just stop bitching.

Taken from MIStupid, the online Knowledge magazine (http://www.mistupid.com):

Reasons why the english language is hard to learn:

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible? And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? English is a silly language — it doesn't know if it is coming or going.

Yfoog wrote:

Zazu wrote:You can bitch about language if you like, but I'm saving mine for bitching about stupid.

How about bitching about a stupid language? (mainly English)
- How come phonetic isn't spelled the way it sounds?

Because English is a composite language built from pieces of many other languages -- much as American culture is built from pieces of many other cultures. I happen to think that both are a good thing, and if both introduce inconsistencies, that's the price we pay for the richness and variety.

- English has grammer rules that aren't an exact science. For example, I before E, except after C... (except for the word, SCIENCE)

English grammar rules are an *evolving* science. It wasn't that long ago that wits ridiculed those who knew but one way to spell a word. Similarly, much of the richness of English is the ability to say (nearly) the same thing in a number of different ways. (And wouldn't poetry be a sad thing if this were not so?)

BTW, spelling rules aren't the same as grammar rules.

- If insane means not sane and insensitive means not sensitive, than why does inflamable refer to somthing that burns well?

Becuase people don't understand that these words come from different roots. My grandfather was the Chief Safety Officer for two major west coast refineries, and fought a non-stop (and losing) battle against the use of "inflamable" and for the use of "flamable".

Sometimes, things don't make sense because they *are* stupid, which is sorta the whole point here, isn't it?


[Note: never debate grammar or spelling with a former magazine editor, we can go on for hours (or days) like this!]

dannydp wrote:One index, 2 indices?

Actually "indices" is an acceptable plural form of "index" (along with "indexes"), and this spelling is often used in mathematics and sciences.

Anyways, to derail this topic back to what we were talking about, one thing that always annoyed me (and happened to me yesterday) is when the person in the party who speaks the least English asks me a question. I try to explain the answer in as simple English as I can, and then after I take forever trying to explain, someone else in the party who speaks fluent English and was standing there the whole time intervenes. Makes me think, why the heck didn't that person just ask me the question?

American English is a multi-cultural language. We have words from Russia, Finland, Spain, Mexico, UK, France, Canada, Italy, etc etc etc.

Many of those words are "americanized" - endings chopped off, spellings changed, etc. Heck, even objects are not called the same thing in different parts of the USA. Try asking the cashier at the mini-mart to put your munchies in a "sack" in Philadelphia.

One hundred years (or more) ago, immigrants HAD to learn English in order to really do anything in their new country. Now, everyone has to cater to them. We have multi-lingual signs, driver's tests, voice mail systems, etc. While I agree that there is a growing number of non-English speaking people in the USA, I think that we need to stop "catering" to them. If they don't "need" to learn English, they won't.

I'm waiting for the 5 language spiel at WDW when the monorail doors open and close. :roll: