From the Dilbert Blog
David Cop a Feel
Did you see in the news that a woman has accused famous magician David Copperfield of sexual assault?
http://openbanter.com/showpost.php?id=621
If he’s innocent, I would like to be David Copperfield’s defense lawyer. I would argue that my client doesn’t need to assault women because he knows magic. When he wants some action, all he has to do is make a willing woman materialize. The judge would admonish me for not being serious, at which point I would do a theatrical turn toward my client and say, “BEHOLD!” In a prearranged move, Copperfield would pull a blanket from his sleeve, drape it over the defense table, wave his arms, and a pair of feet would appear under the table, high heels facing the judge. Then my client would lean his head back and start moaning.
The judge would start banging his gavel, (so to speak), and I would turn to the jury and yell, “I REST MY CASE!”
If that didn’t work, I’d put the accuser on the stand and ask, “How can you be so sure my client touched you?” As she answered the question, I would nod to my magician client and have him do the trick where his hand comes out of my zipper and waves hello. Then I would say in my most sarcastic voice, “SO, TELL US AGAIN HOW GOOD ARE YOU AT KNOWING WHERE MY CLIENT’S HANDS ARE.”
Then I would ask the bailiff to bring me the Bible on which the accuser swore an oath. I would ask the accuser to read any passage aloud. By then, my magician client would have pulled the switcheroo, and the accuser would be reading something from Mein Kampf. I would turn to the jury and say, “That’s not the Jesus I know!”
I haven’t heard what evidence the prosecution will present, but for the sake of this blog, let’s hope it involves a semen-stained dress. When the police officer shows the court this piece of evidence, I would ask him if there was any way my client’s DNA could be on that dress without sex. The police officer would say sex was the only explanation. Then I would ask the bailiff to turn down the lights. I would signal to my client to do his magic, then take out a black light and show that the policeman’s own uniform is covered with my client’s semen, and not just a little. He’d look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy exploded on him.
I only joke about this because I think it’s unlikely the alleged crime happened. But if it turns out that the handsome, famous, charismatic magician who earns over $40 million a year and dates supermodels is forcing himself on women, I support the death penalty. And that’s only partly because watching him try to escape from the gas chamber after he’s strapped down would be good TV.
